i'm in a room it's covered with white tiles my vision's blurred i cannot see the walls are too bright for my eyes i hear the bouncing of ping pong balls all around me the sound is deafening i cannot hear my thoughts they're bouncing into a waterfall that ends in a vortex the vortex empties into a pipe too many enter and they become an obstruction the dododox is now in place i'm afraid my time has come the pressure builds i can feel high density waves experience the dododox it smells like mold and it smells like shit i still can't see but the sound is all around me the pipe begins to strain i have no paddle to defend myself from millions of ping pong balls the waves from the blockage pound on my chest the dododox gets stronger and stronger my senses no longer comprehend the vortex collapses the water comes rushing over me experience the dododox i'm afraid of drowning the water is rising so fast my instinct kicks in and i start to run away i've become a lab experiment for brownian motion i reached a doorway that opens out it's a hallway that goes on forever i let the water carry me down it until finally i can free myself surrounded by unlabeled doors i try to find my way out by opening one of the doors it's another room that i cannot see but i hear the familiar haunting sound of ping pong balls and waterfalls the dododoxes are everywhere there is no escape from this place is it twilight zone or doctor who? how the hell will i ever know? experience the dododox

a. a chocolate moose for dinner i sat on computer tape waiting for distribution pieced together by professionals coded into fields and subfields the machines know me as 76-4811 the humans see me as a play on homonyms herman munster and his tree of shoes where we live in pens and tortoises have hair i exist to help you find what i represent you can find the arms race at PZ7.G99 Ch3 i've been around since 1976 duplicated and stored in thousands of databases as the years have gone by i've been expanded with more fields i've got subjects from every language on the planet and summaries that go on and on and on and on i've become so fat that i break z39.50 b. harvesting the universe free stuff everywhere, there's free stuff everywhere point your harvester at me, and download everything we have free stuff everywhere, there's free stuff everywhere we've got crap in dublin core, and the latest flavor of the day we've jammed 150 authors into one field and every word of our ebook has been put into one subject field our specialities are crashing your ILS and cracking your crosswalk with Unicode 61521 free stuff everywhere, there's free stuff everywhere we don't know when we made it, so it was all published in 2017 free stuff everywhere, there's free stuff everywhere random punctuation is our way of honoring e.e. cummings our schemas are made up out of thin air go ahead and send us an e-mail, we'll never read it our control numbers and URLs are in a state of flux you get these neat free records, but you'll never find the resource and we don't even know where it is either free stuff everywhere, there's free stuff everywhere free stuff everywhere, there's free stuff everywhere free stuff everywhere, there's free stuff everywhere stuff for free, stuff for free get your free stuff here we have it everywhere free stuff here, free stuff, free stuff free stuff for you free stuff everywhere come and get your free stuff come and get your free stuff come and get your free stuff c. the valley of the acronyms rda, aacr2, isbd, pcc, ddc, ead, frbr scm, shm, lcri, estc, nuc, naf, lcsh ecip, ifla, gsafd, lcgft, frad, dcrb, cpso lccn, isbn, issn, mesh, naco, saco, cip oai-pmh, xml, xslt, foaf, rdf, rdfa, dtd, owl d. the web of socks put on your metadata socks and hop on board the linked data bus oh, let's get semantic and turn ourselves into ontologies i'm a hierarchy of taxonomies sliding down a serialization turn me into a billion billion billion billion triples that's more than sam crawford ever had load me up with uris and dump me in the web turn me into subjects and predicates and objects i'm a metadata sock hanging on the clothesline of knowledge it's a triplestore filled to the brim with triples even chief wilson has to admire that and we're linking, and we're linking, linking all over the place i know you're out of orange juice and your milk's two weeks past expiration i still can't do anything with 150 authors jammed in my creator field but we're all happy campers anyway and we're linking, and we're linking, linking all over the place i'm receiving triples from your toilet and your car your air's low in the right front tire and you only have three days of toilet paper left should i order you some more? and we're linking, and we're linking, linking all over the place and now i know what homonyms are i can tell what he meant by arms races and trees of shoes now you can wear my metadata socks and be my favorite machine hey sam crawford, let me introduce you to herman munster

a. the eggs of manhattan waking up on a bus in northern new jersey towering skyscrapers stretched across the horizon unfold the maps, find the points of interest around the curve and into the tunnel looking for stuff in manhattan eating soft pretzels and potato knishes off to wander around endlessly walk across the tom hanks keyboard go into saks fifth avenue to pee looking for stuff in manhattan up in an elevator, the doors open the room is dark, pictures all over the walls people float by me with cards in their hands coins are falling out of their ears it feels like an otherworldly disco doctor doofus floats right by me followed by dozens of eggs they are chasing him around the room the eggs of manhattan doctor doofus offers us books and boxes we can't break through the shrink wrap he can get us anything from anywhere just point to the book of everything and he'll transport it to our mailboxes there are more words than my brain can handle it is english, but it isn't english time stops in this place, it feels like hours doctor doofus detaches his arm and it floats all around him doctor doofus floats right by me followed by dozens of eggs they are chasing him around the room the eggs of manhattan i find myself back on the street i can't remember where i was b. side trip 1: all the masks of the universe he's got einstein hair and can't remember a name the ceiling is filled with all the masks of the universe he stands behind the display case full of tricks ready to offer you something you never knew you wanted we can look at the books to the side read all about his secrets and then forget them before you leave he can speak as many words as the good doctor the ceiling is filled with all the masks of the universe c. central pennsylvania it could have been a stray thought it could have been a poojer it could have been environmental stress it could have been an opportunity it could have been the lining up of his quantum brain doctor doofus comes to central pennsylvania in the blink of an eye i'm here at last the eggs no longer follow me i am the representative from my world i will get you anything from anywhere and offer you things you never knew you wanted d. dump truck jr. the smell of cheesesteaks are in the air the good doctor's new lair is almost empty white walls all around a display case with a few knickknacks but this is all an illusion the space is taken up by the biggest grin in the universe oh, dump truck jr. you have more teeth than giada your nose moves all over your face oh, dump truck jr. how did you become doctor doofus' sidekick? your gibberish escapes a million teeth oh, dump truck jr. doctor doofus can get you anything from anywhere he's hooked up with the magical warehouse of everything and dump truck jr.'s smile gets bigger and bigger even though there is nothing in the room the doctor still shows you stuff you never knew you wanted orders get recorded, more teeth appear out of nowhere oh, dump truck jr. you have more teeth than giada your nose moves all over your face oh, dump truck jr. how did you become doctor doofus' sidekick? your gibberish escapes a million teeth oh, dump truck jr. surrounding the algorithm the pants can see everything my wires burn and my biochemistry is the opus beans pigeons make prophecies of the narrative tree rings hold up, hold on ... surplus senses the potato my liver has illustrations of all of the eggs and the room is filled with teeth it's filled with teeth it's filled with teeth and a smile that gets bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger e. side trip 2: the carson street roll of toilet paper his bloated figure stands there in the middle of the room a roll of toilet paper hovers in front of his stomach when he moves, it moves with him, around the room off to the side are offers of things you never knew you wanted he's an imitation of a walking bathroom stall a roll of toilet paper hovers in front of his stomach but it would seem that you'd have to bring your own toilet off to the side are offers of things you never knew you wanted f. bellefonte and points beyond doctor doofus can get anything from anywhere but nothing ever appears but he still gets anything from anywhere and it never shows up we're waiting for stuff from everywhere and nothing ever shows up the grins get wider and wider and nothing ever seems to appear we're waiting for stuff from everywhere we grow more teeth and our noses go all over our faces we're waiting for stuff from everywhere we grow more teeth and our noses go all over our faces we're waiting for stuff from everywhere we're waiting for stuff from everywhere the smell of cheesesteaks disappears and the doctor migrates to bellefonte where he studies martial arts across the street and inspects christmas crap and looks at junk in an old worn down theater smiles so wide that they bust down the door and nothing ever seems to appear and nothing ever shows up we're waiting for stuff from everywhere we grow more teeth and our noses go all over our faces we're waiting for stuff from everywhere we grow more teeth and our noses go all over our faces we're waiting for stuff from everywhere we're waiting for stuff from everywhere we're now in the fields beyond millheim offering things you never knew you wanted and we have rolls of toilet paper hovering in front of our stomachs and we have ceilings filled with all the masks of the universe and our arms detach and float around us we're waiting for stuff from everywhere and we have a million teeth in our mouths out in the fields beyond millheim and in the sky comes a craft that has a ring of toilet paper encircling it the thaumaturges call to us with a million words and a million teeth doctor doofus and dump truck jr. smile brightly we are pulled into the craft and we all have rolls of toilet paper in front of our stomachs and we all have a million million million million teeth and we'll have anything from anywhere and everything from everywhere and our smiles get bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger as we ascend into a big bag of ylem